Annoying Email Correspondence w/ Belligerent Crazy Person
If you feel so inclined, read this email strain regarding this year's Chili Champion of the Universe competition. (Reader: Please note that to date there have only been two competitions and I have won both.)
Me: I know I'll be out of the family, but I really do not want to participate at all this year. As the two-time champion, I do not feel like having to go to the trouble or expense of a preliminary round. Also, I thought my chili last year was creative and delicious. I don't know if I can, or even want to best it. Two rounds of chili equals big bucks and I'm just not flush these days. I'm temping right now and starting a new job on February 8th, so I really can't justify spending 150 to 200 bucks on two weeks worth of chili expenses.
BCP: I find your spending estimates completely exaggerated. The CCU recognizes you as only a one-time champion, and while we regard your chili as exemplary, you only did one round last year, whereas this year's champ wins two consecutively. Plus, you have preference of bracket, nobody else has that. So, I feel the reigning champion has a responsibility to defend the title. Nobody can take the first from you, but I think it's kinda pussy not to battle this year.
Me: The spending estimates are not exagerated at all. A decent chili costs at least $60 to make. Times two is $120. I live in Brooklyn by Nate and will have to take a car with my chili. With tip, that can run anywhere from $15 to $20. Times two is $30 to $40. Cost aside, I just don't want to do it. I won the first year. Period. You framed it as a competition, I entered my chili and won. For whatever reason, you do not count that as a victory and that's just plain wrong. Last year I entered and won again. If the CCU fails to recognize me as a two-time champion, then I have no interest in continuing my affiliation with it. But please, let me stress again, that I just have no interest in doing it this year. If you think that's a pussy move on my part, fine, I can live with that. I think it would be an even pussier move on my part to let you bully me into doing something that I have neither the time, money or inclination to do.
In summation - I am not competing this year. Having already won twice, I have nothing to prove and don't feel like doing it. The end.
BCP: There wasn't even a vote the first year, only Nate saying, "Beth's chili is better," so sorry, that doesn't cut it by today's CCU standards. You're a one-time winner, who's technically only won one round in her entire chili career. Your estimates are still outrageous, and i could have had you paired with nate and/or zach to reduce travel expenses.
Your 'non-interest' might make a shred of sense if it wasn't supported by "i have nothing to prove" because you have much to prove, since this year's competition features 6 new chefs, all of which are determined to kick your ass in the competition. And frankly, given your bye last year, and non-vote battle against one same-day-made chili the year before, this year's winner will have already proven more than you. Hey, all due respect to the champ, but that's the way it is. I accept your resignation. You are more than welcome to attend the tournament as spectator.
Me: The consensus among the first year judges was that my chili was superior. To assert that only Nate had an opinion in a room filled with opinionated people is utterly absurd. The fact that you cooked your chili on the same day and that there were not more competitors the first year is simply not my problem and does not negate my win. Do you also discount the first World Series because there were only 16 teams back then? Also, I maintain that my cost estimates are not at all exaggerated. Whatever. All of this is moot in that the overarching point is that I don't want to participate. If you think that as the defending champion I do in fact have something to prove, we can both be glad that I am not you.
Best of luck to all of the competitors!
BCP: You won't get the last word in here, sweetheart! We weren't diminishing your win, we were telling you what there is to prove, as you are acting quite the jaded diva who thinks she's nothing left to prove. Well, a competitor is what makes a champion. Take it from Teddy:
It's not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worth cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.
Me: No disrespect to our twenty-sixth president, but frankly my dear - well, you know the rest. Besides, I'm more interested in Teddy's cousin, the democrat from Hyde Park who steered our country through the Depression and a little something I like to call WORLD WAR II. Regardless, like I said, I JUST DON'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE. Call me a pussy, diva, whatever. I HAVE WON TWICE. TAKE A FUCKING POLL. If you had won the inaugural competition in 2005, I have a funny feeling that you would count it as a victory, so I'm wondering why my victory is being deemed null and void here... Also, YOU AREN'T EVEN COMPETING THIS YEAR. Why? Because I humiliated you two years in a row? Feeling a little like Peter Berg at the end of the Last Seduction, are we? Listen sweet-tits - I am done with the CCU because I SIMPLY DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I'm really not sure how I can make this any clearer. Feel free to leaf through your little book of famous quotations, but please have the dignity to acknowledge that I have just uttered the last word on this, the great chili debate of 2007.
SO ANNOYING.
posted by China-Latina Chowhound @ 12:54
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